Creepy Juggalo Clown Crime Wave Is No Laughing Matter

This Halloween may be a little scarier than usual because of a recent string of Clown related crimes allegedly perpetrated by known Muslim terrorist cell,the Juggalos For Allah.

The White House has confirmed that recent clown sightings all over the country has been attributed to the notorious Hip Hop Muslim Terrorist group.The group founded in 2014 has promised to “reign destruction and Faygo” down on all they see as infidels such as Christians, Republicans,and Ted Nugent.

It all began with a single report in South Carolina that a Juggalo was trying to lure children into the woods behind an apartment complex to force them to try Marijuana. Since then, “creepy clown” sightings have spread far and wide, with new incidents cropping up all over, seemingly every day in neighborhoods,malls,and Target restrooms nation wide. Let’s call it #Clownpocalypse2016!

While Juggalos have taken to the streets to protest discrimination at “Juggalo Lives Matter“ rallies, even the White House is warning the public that clown threats are no laughing matter.

As #Clownpocalypse 2016 continues, we’ve listed some of the craziest clown crimes from coast to coast.

Florida: 12-Year-Old Poses As Clown Online, Threatens To Kill Kids At His School
Pasco Sheriff Chris Nocco reported that his deputies arrested a 12-year-old boy — as an adult — on allegations that he made an online threat against Seven Springs Middle School.The boy made the threats because he was tired of being called “a lame Juggalo fag”.

Pennsylvania: College Students Organize A “Juggalo Hunt”; Teen Stabbed In Rectum By Attacker Wearing A Clown Mask
Apparently, people in clown masks have become more popular than Pokémon. As clownphobia continues to spread, some groups have attempted to snap sightings of the masked funnymen on their smartphones. Some have even organized “Juggalo Hunts” where students seek out and assault Juggalos and people that smell really bad.

Virginia: 13-Year-Old Girl Arrested For Hiring Local Juggalo Clown To Kill Her Teacher
Hampton police have arrested a 13-year-old girl for allegedly attempting to hire a local Juggalo clown assassination squad to kill her teacher. Investigators received a call at around 6:45 P.M. on Sunday regarding a threat that was made via social media. They discovered that a 13-year-old student at Davis Middle School got in touch with someone who used a clown photo as their social-media profile photo and asked the person to kill her teacher.The teacher was not harmed as luckily the Juggalo could not read very well.

Tennessee: Juggalo Posing As Clown Threatens To Kidnap Kids, Cut Their Ears Off
A Manchester man has been arrested and charged with stalking after police say he posed as a clown and made threats to children. Adolf Oliver Bush, 64, allegedly called the Coffee County Communications Center’s nonemergency line and identified himself as “the clown who has been threatening children.Whoop Whoop.” He then told the dispatcher he was going to harm children, kidnap her and children, cut kids’s ears off, and force them to destroy all their Justin Bieber CDs and listen only to Insane Clown Posse.

Kentucky: Police Arrest Juggalo Dressed As Clown Lurking In Local Woods
Kentucky police have arrested a man dressed as a clown lurking in a wooded area in Middlesboro. Jonathan Martin, 20, was charged with wearing a mask in a public place and disorderly conduct, WDRB News reported. He was found at about 1 A.M. last Friday in “full clown costume” and mask crouching among trees,masturbating and defecating, by an apartment complex, according to police.

Illinois: Chicago Elementary School On Lockdown
Officials in suburban Waukegan put Greenwood Elementary School on lockdown “after students at the school reported seeing three people dressed as clowns, carrying weapons,having sex,and drinking Faygo at a home near the school during recess.

California: Juggalos arrested in car bombing attempt
Two teenagers,wearing clown masks were arrested for attempting to blow up a state assemblyman’s car.One was taken to the Hospital where he received treatment for burning his lips on the tail pipe.

Stuttering Ray Blowchunks,leader of Juggalos For Allah,denies the Juggalos had anything to do with the attacks.

“We just like Insane Clown Posse”, Blowchunks told Fox news,”We just like drinking Faygo and looking at titties.We would never kill anybody unless,like,they made fun of us or something.”

Many communities across the country have banned Clown costumes this Halloween to help police spot the Juggalo terrorists more easily.One Tennessee State Trooper who wished to remain nameless said that all necessary steps will be taken to ensure the public safety.

“We know how to handle this.” The Trooper told Fox News, “You see a clown or hear that lame music they listen to.Shoot first and bury them later .Juggalos,disgusting.”

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Mike Pence to Outlaw Prostate Exams, Sights Unnatural Excitement

In a stunning post debate news conference, Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence has promised to outlaw prostate exams. Digital rectal exams (DRE) A doctor or nurse inserts a gloved lubricated finger into the rectum to estimate the size of the prostate and feel for lumps or other abnormalities. According to the Mayo Clinic, approximately 200,000 cases of prostate cancers in men are detected in the U.S. per year or about 1 in 7 men during his lifetime. According to the American Cancer Society, early detection is key to raising survival rates in affected men.

When asked why Governor Pence would want to outlaw the procedure he stated that he had recently undergone the procedure himself and that procedures like that should be outlawed at best, not covered by publicly funded insurance at the least. Governor Pence said “Look, I just had a full physical myself and it was the most romantic experience of my life. First of all naturally, my doctor is a man. The exam itself made my little devil down there all hard. Then when he found my prostate, this stuff came flying out of my penis and sprayed all over the entire room. It was really scary yet somehow pleasurable. It was dripping off of my face.. I didn’t know what it was, so I asked my doctor. He assured me that that was a normal physical response to digital stimulation of the prostate and went on to tell me that I had had an involuntary orgasm. This is sick, disgusting, and unacceptable although it didn’t taste terrible. Worse yet, homosexuality is a sin and apparently, my penis is gay”.

When asked to clarify his statement, his entire head turned bright red and he started shouting “Shut up shut up shut up” at the reporters who were in attendance. He also said that he didn’t mean “romantic” and meant to say “traumatic”.

Ann Coulter tweeted her support to the Governor and assured him that the same thing happens to her all of the time.

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Hillary Clinton has dropped to 15 points down on Donald Trump according to the latest White House Watch survey.

The new poll reflects the strong reaction voters have shown to the Hillary Clinton email scandal. The presidential campaign was rocked on Friday after federal law enforcement officials said that emails pertinent to the closed investigation into Hillary Clinton’s private email server were discovered on a computer belonging to Anthony D. Weiner, the estranged husband of a top Clinton aide.

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) who has been investigating the Clintons has vowed to expose Wiener to the entire country.

“I believe it shows,” Gowdy told Fox News, “that Secretary Clinton showed very poor judgment in how she handled Wiener. I promise Wiener will be given a fair shake but it is important that we know how and what Hillary Clinton has done with Wiener in the past.”

Sen Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has shown great confidence the Wiener investigation will be handled properly.

“I can tell you this.” Graham said in a news conference, “One thing you can be assured of is that Trey Gowdy knows how to handle Wiener like no one else can. I will be happy to assist because I have been investigating Wiener for years and I’d say I’m probably the biggest expert on Wiener in The United States Senate.”

The new national telephone and online survey shows Clinton and Trump each with lots support among Likely U.S. Voters. Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson has fallen to a new low of three percent (3%), while Green Party candidate Jill Stein earns two percent (2%) of the vote. Two percent (2%) prefer Deez Nuts in the race, and another two percent (2%) didn’t know what we were talking about.

Before Wiener, Clinton held a negligible 45% to 44% lead yesterday. She and Trump have been within two points or less of each other nationally all week in a survey with a +/- 2.5% margin of error.

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