As reports of crime, unemployment, and homosexuality drastically increasing after California’s legalization of recreational marijuana this week, President Trump announced the controversial narcotic may have claimed another victim. His one time friend and confidant, Steve Bannon.
Bannon made controversial statements in a new book that portrays Trump as an undisciplined man-child who didn’t actually want to win the White House and quotes Bannon as calling his son’s contact with a Russian lawyer “treasonous.”
Hitting back via a formal White House statement rather than a more-typical Twitter volley, Trump insisted Bannon had little to do with his victorious campaign and was probably under the influence of marijuana when composing the memoirs.
“Just look at Steve, look at Steve,” Trump told Fox News in a phone interview,”He used to be such a good guy. He spoke well, dressed in nice suits. We could tell something was wrong when he started bumbling around the White House, dressed like a drunk from Chicago or something, eating all the boiled shrimp and Doritos. Those were my Doritos. They were Avacado Cheese flavor and they were mine, very hard to find. Then Ivanka caught him snorting pot in his office one day and we had to let him go. Very sad.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a long time opponent to the legalization of marijuana, was indignant when asked why the accusations of marijuana abuse were not announced when Bannon was fired as White House Chief Strategist in August.
“Well, we didn’t want to ruin the poor man”, Session said, “Everybody knows that today’s marijuana is 70,000 times stronger then it used to be in the hippy days. It makes people be lazy, do crimes, hate God, turn Gay, and masturbate themselves until they go blind. Everybody knows that. it’s a scientific fact. That’s why the best way to cure these poor souls of their illness is to throw them all in prison until they get better.”
Trump’s statement is likely to hearten congressional Republicans and advisers to Trump who have wanted him to distance himself from Bannon, who was forced out of the White House last summer and has returned to his perch as head of the conservative Breitbart News website. But it remains unclear whether Trump will kick Bannon out forever; he often likes to cast characters out and then bring them back in, frequently maintaining contact with those he has fired. Bannon could not be reached for comment and is reportedly spending the week in known Marijuana dens in Los Angeles and San Francisco.