GOFUNDME BORDER WALL MONEY TO BE USED TO FUND AMUSEMENT PARK

Brian Kolfage, a triple-amputee Iraq War veteran responsible for the GoFundMe page that raised more than $15 million for Donald Trump’s border wall, has reported that there is no way to get his money legally to the government. Government regulations reportedly do not allow contributions for public projects, so Kolfage has launched a scheme to open a religious-themed amusement park to funnel the money to Homeland Security via taxes on the park.

“If everyone who voted for Trump would contribute $80”, Kolfage has claimed, “the wall could be paid for. Therefore, I will open a business to pay the government through taxes much the same way Mexico will pay us back for the wall from all the taxes we get from their cars, and tequila, and tacos, and those big funny hats we import.”

Kolfage states his park will be based on a Biblical story much like the wildly successful Noah’s Ark theme park in Kentucky.

“I’m leaning toward doing one based on the story of Samson”, Kolfage told Fox News,”We could get some big actor, like Scott Baio maybe, to come out in a wig and throw fake rocks around. Then get some other actors to play liberals who grab Samson and cut his hair off and then he gets all wimpy and snowflakey and can’t pick up the rocks anymore. Then he prays to Jesus and gets his strength back and kills all the liberals. It’s a pretty cheap price to pay to show everyone the power of God’s love with some styrofoam rocks and fake blood.”

Kolfage set up the GoFundMe page out of frustration that the Congress has so far failed to commit funds to build the wall. “We’re not getting just people who voted for Trump now,” Kolfage told Fox. “I’m getting messages from many Democrats, Russians, concrete companies, and Macedonian teenagers, who say they support this wall.”

Kolfage had named himself CEO of the project and will reportedly pay himself a generous salary to oversee the operation.

“I have to eat too and I will not apologize for my success.” Kolfage said, “Hey I am a triple amputee and I need to get some prosthetics to properly do my job. I saw this really cool arm you can change out the hands on. One day I could have a regular hand, next day I could have a machine gun hand, I think they have a chainsaw and a lasergun attachment too. I’m looking into it.”

Kolfage told Fox News that he has connections in the White House that can make sure all of his GoFundMe tax dollars will directly fund the border wall, saying “we have a lot of people watching this,” which would “serve as a motivating factor not to screw this up.”

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George W. Bush, 41st president of the United States, dead at 94

Former President George H.W. Bush, who spent a lifetime in public service and as the nation’s leader scored a decisive victory over Saddam Hussein but battled a faltering economy, died Friday at age 94.

Family spokesman Jim McGrath said Bush died shortly after 10 p.m. Friday, about eight months after the death of his wife, Barbara Bush.

He is survived by five children, including former President George W. Bush and former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush. A sixth child died in early childhood. The late former president also is survived by 17 grandchildren.

President Donald Trump issued the following statement upon his predecessor’s death:

“We are very sorry this guy is dead. He didn’t like me very much and didn’t invite me to his wife’s funeral. He was very mean to me, and now he’s dead.,” Trump said,”I’m probably not invited to his funeral either. I don’t know. I’ll have to ask his low energy brother Jeb.”

No word yet as to the cause of death. More on this story as it develops.

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TRUMP CREATES NEW WHITE FRIDAY HOLIDAY

President Trump helped kick off the traditional Fox News ‘War on Christmas’ season by announcing a new initiative to allow Christians to take their holiday back and make America great again.

The President announced that the shopping day following Thanksgiving, formerly known as “Black Friday”, would instead be referred to by all government agencies henceforth as “White Friday.” Black Friday was a shopping day for a combination of reasons. As the first day after the last major holiday before Christmas, it marks the unofficial beginning of the Christmas shopping season. Additionally, many employers give their employees the day off as part of the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. it was unofficially dubbed “Black Friday” since most stores make huge profits and go “in the black” doing a large part of their yearly business during the season starting on this day.

“I’m so thankful for all the wonderful things I have done this year”, Trump said at an appearance Thanksgiving day,”now I want to celebrate the huge shopping day tomorrow by making it a little more cheery. From now on we should call it ‘White Friday’ because black just makes people feel depressed and make people want to sit around listening to all the lies about collusion in the fake news media. I know the haters will try to say this is racist. It has nothing to do with race. The blacks have a lot of fun buying and looting things on this day too. They already have black history month and Martin Luther King day which commemorates the day Dr. King got shot. Why can’t White people have a nice day of shopping named after them? I mean most of the stores are owned by White people, and some Jews, anyway.

Although the executive order is not legally binding, the President hopes people will respect the new rule in the spirit of national unity.

About 38 percent of American consumers plan to shop on Black Friday this year, and six in 10 of those shoppers anticipate making at least half of their holiday purchases on that day, a Reuters/Ipsos poll showed last week. Over a trillion dollars in sales is expected today and over the weekend.

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