TRUMP DENIES HE SPENDS ALL DAY WATCHING TV

What do you think about the reports in The Washington Post that our Supreme leader spends most of the day watching TV and eating Avacado Cheese Doritos?

Join Sean Hannity tonight as we discuss why the fake news media and how they want to destroy President trump by reporting of all the things he actually says and does. Don’t miss a minute, tonight on Fox News.

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TRUMP BLAMES POT ADDICTION FOR BANNON’S ERRATIC BEHAVIOR

As reports of crime, unemployment, and homosexuality drastically increasing after California’s legalization of recreational marijuana this week, President Trump announced the controversial narcotic may have claimed another victim. His one time friend and confidant, Steve Bannon.

Bannon made controversial statements in a new book that portrays Trump as an undisciplined man-child who didn’t actually want to win the White House and quotes Bannon as calling his son’s contact with a Russian lawyer “treasonous.”

Hitting back via a formal White House statement rather than a more-typical Twitter volley, Trump insisted Bannon had little to do with his victorious campaign and was probably under the influence of marijuana when composing the memoirs.

“Just look at Steve, look at Steve,” Trump told Fox News in a phone interview,”He used to be such a good guy. He spoke well, dressed in nice suits. We could tell something was wrong when he started bumbling around the White House, dressed like a drunk from Chicago or something, eating all the boiled shrimp and Doritos. Those were my Doritos. They were Avacado Cheese flavor and they were mine, very hard to find. Then Ivanka caught him snorting pot in his office one day and we had to let him go. Very sad.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a long time opponent to the legalization of marijuana, was indignant when asked why the accusations of marijuana abuse were not announced when Bannon was fired as White House Chief Strategist in August.

“Well, we didn’t want to ruin the poor man”, Session said, “Everybody knows that today’s marijuana is 70,000 times stronger then it used to be in the hippy days. It makes people be lazy, do crimes, hate God, turn Gay, and masturbate themselves until they go blind. Everybody knows that. it’s a scientific fact. That’s why the best way to cure these poor souls of their illness is to throw them all in prison until they get better.”

Trump’s statement is likely to hearten congressional Republicans and advisers to Trump who have wanted him to distance himself from Bannon, who was forced out of the White House last summer and has returned to his perch as head of the conservative Breitbart News website. But it remains unclear whether Trump will kick Bannon out forever; he often likes to cast characters out and then bring them back in, frequently maintaining contact with those he has fired. Bannon could not be reached for comment and is reportedly spending the week in known Marijuana dens in Los Angeles and San Francisco.

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TRUMP TWEETS ABOUT A SAFER AMERICA

As we ring in the new year, what do you think about President Trump’s God-like ability to keep Americans safe, happy, and prosperous? Why has fake news liberal media refused to give the President credit for gains in the economy and the lack of space-based natural disasters?

Join Tucker Carlson tonight as we discuss how President Trump has been the only leader in American history to keep us safe from Volcanoes and asteroids while playing 18 holes of golf a day. All this and more, tonight on Fox News

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TRUMP OFFERS DISASTER AID TO MEXICO IN EXCHANGE FOR PAYMENT ON BORDER WALL

President Trump has offered a comprehensive plan to aid Mexico after two devastating earthquakes as soon as they agree to pony up for his controversial proposed border wall.

The countries are locked in tense talks to renegotiate the North American Free Trade Deal, and Mexican public opinion of the U.S. has plummeted as President Trump has repeatedly criticized Mexico and vowed to make it pay for construction of the wall.

Tensions were absent this week as dozens of U.S. rescuers combed parts of Mexico City that were leveled by Tuesday’s deadly earthquake. The disaster response team, made up largely of firefighters from Southern California, has swarmed the sites of several collapsed buildings, using dogs and search cameras to hunt for signs of life.

Trump ordered the deployment of limited U.S. aid after he spoke to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto by phone Wednesday, a day after the violent magnitude 7.1 temblor shook central Mexico. The earthquake brought down dozens of multistory buildings and killed at least 286 people across five states and the country’s densely packed capital.

Trump had drawn criticism for proposing a multi-billion dollar aid package for Mexico on the contingent that they pay for the border wall as ordered.

“The wall is happening. In fact, you probably saw, you know, we have a wall up there now, and the Mexicans are going to pay for it believe me. It’s being made a perfect see-through wall so we can see the drug dealers and the rapists coming a mile away. They will pay for it, believe me, if they want help from us, they will pay for it. There is an awful lot of children in Mexico that are going to be without tacos and burritos very soon if Mexico doesn’t play ball with us.” Trump said.

Democrats Say President Trump’s Border Wall Could Cost $67 Billion, minus the 2 billion Trump has earmarked for disaster relief, the Mexican government would still owe the U.S. 65 billion dollars. It is unclear whether aid would be provided before or after Mexico makes the first of its payments.

Doctor Ben Carson, U.S. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development was asked for clarification on just how the U.S. would help rebuild Mexico’s failing infrastructure.

“Oh I feel for those poor Mexicans”, Carson told Fox News, “those earthquakes scare me. Jesus must be very angry with those Mexicans and Puerto Ricans for sending all those disasters down there. The other day i was walking to my car and a truck backfired. I thought one of those Mexican earthquakes was attacking America. I almost tinkled in my britches.”

The President will present the ID Package along with a plan for hurricane relief for Texas, Puerto Rico, and his Mar-a-Lago Golf Course in Florida.

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