ALEX JONES CLAIMS PEPE THE FROG IS A SYMBOL OF HOMOSEXUALITY

In a stunning turn of events late this afternoon, journalist Alex Jones has denounced the Alt-Right movement because he has uncovered definitive evidence that PePe the frog is gay.

The Alt-Right white nationalist movement has long used ‘Pepe’, a cartoon frog, as their unofficial symbol. Jones, noted conspiracy journalist of the Infowars radios show, stirred controversy last year when he claimed that the government was spiking chemicals into the nation,s water supply that allegedly caused frogs to turn into homosexuals.

In a last-minute press conference at the prestigious Steam-works Bathhouse in Chicago, Mr. Jones who has gained mainstream notoriety since our Supreme Leader, Donald J. Trump gave him press credentials to the White House said the following.

Jones: Look, frogs are all gay, right? So if the frogs are all gay because of the chemtrails, it’s obviously a government virus that’s being spread for population control. Anyone who associates themselves with frogs are obviously GAY.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, but how do gay frogs turn patriotic Americans gay? I’m missing something here Mr. Jones.

Jones: LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE FROG F**KER! IF I SAY FROGS ARE F**KING GAY, FROGS ARE F**KING GAY! Do you understand me you little Pansy ass freak?

Tucker Carlson: Yes Sir, um.. um.. No sir, I’m not questioning your authenticity, I’m just asking where you’re getting your information? Where are you collecting your data? That’s a bold statement and many of my followers use PePe the frog as their profile photo. I’m not sure how that makes them gay?

Jones: LISTEN HERE YOU BOW TIE WEARING LITTLE B*TCH! WHEN I TELL YOU THAT FROGS ARE F**KING GAY, FROGS ARE F**KING GAY! I HAVE PICTURES YOU LITTLE CLOSET PERVERT AND YOU’RE GAY TOO!

The press conference ended shortly after the exchange took place, and our own Tucker Carlson left the event after spending fifteen minutes in a private room with an unknown interviewee.

We here at Fox News are deeply saddened that so many of our own followers use PePee the frog as their profile picture. Even if the frog isn’t gay, it’s really silly looking.

Although there is no hard scientific evidence to prove Jones’ claims Fox News sent several of out reporters to local pet stores where they did indeed observe male frogs jumping all over each other

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PENCE SOFTENS STANCE ON PORTER ABUSE ALLEGATIONS

What do you think about Vice President Mike Pence’s recent comments on abuse allegations leveled against White House aide Rob Porter?

Previously, Pence said he was “appalled” when he first learned about the domestic abuse allegations against now-former White House staff secretary Rob Porter, and is “going to look into the matter” of what the White House and chief of staff John Kelly knew.

Pence, who just returned from South Korea for the Olympics,he is concerned about what White House chief of staff John Kelly may have known about the allegations and didn’t take action against Porter. Porter is accused of kicking and punching his first wife, Colbie Holderness, and his second wife, Jennie Willoughby, filed an emergency protective order against him.

Pence has softened his comments about Porter saying his actions if true were “in accordance with Biblical principles” and that women should “submit to their husbands as their husbands are their heads just as Jesus is head of the church.”

Pence had previously said that he found out about the Porter situation when he awoke Wednesday on the way to South Korea. Asked why he sometimes seems so unaware of happenings in the White House, Pence simply said it is an honor to serve in the Trump administration and has been using his time in public office to get closer to the Lord.

He did not directly answer a question as to whether he believes the president’s staff is serving him well, and said that he really has no time for such trivialities as staffing.

“Jesus didn’t worry about what his Apostles were doing all the time”, Pence told Fox News, “I’ll let the President worry about what his staff are doing.”

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TRUMP DENIES HE SPENDS ALL DAY WATCHING TV

What do you think about the reports in The Washington Post that our Supreme leader spends most of the day watching TV and eating Avacado Cheese Doritos?

Join Sean Hannity tonight as we discuss why the fake news media and how they want to destroy President trump by reporting of all the things he actually says and does. Don’t miss a minute, tonight on Fox News.

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TRUMP BLAMES POT ADDICTION FOR BANNON’S ERRATIC BEHAVIOR

As reports of crime, unemployment, and homosexuality drastically increasing after California’s legalization of recreational marijuana this week, President Trump announced the controversial narcotic may have claimed another victim. His one time friend and confidant, Steve Bannon.

Bannon made controversial statements in a new book that portrays Trump as an undisciplined man-child who didn’t actually want to win the White House and quotes Bannon as calling his son’s contact with a Russian lawyer “treasonous.”

Hitting back via a formal White House statement rather than a more-typical Twitter volley, Trump insisted Bannon had little to do with his victorious campaign and was probably under the influence of marijuana when composing the memoirs.

“Just look at Steve, look at Steve,” Trump told Fox News in a phone interview,”He used to be such a good guy. He spoke well, dressed in nice suits. We could tell something was wrong when he started bumbling around the White House, dressed like a drunk from Chicago or something, eating all the boiled shrimp and Doritos. Those were my Doritos. They were Avacado Cheese flavor and they were mine, very hard to find. Then Ivanka caught him snorting pot in his office one day and we had to let him go. Very sad.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a long time opponent to the legalization of marijuana, was indignant when asked why the accusations of marijuana abuse were not announced when Bannon was fired as White House Chief Strategist in August.

“Well, we didn’t want to ruin the poor man”, Session said, “Everybody knows that today’s marijuana is 70,000 times stronger then it used to be in the hippy days. It makes people be lazy, do crimes, hate God, turn Gay, and masturbate themselves until they go blind. Everybody knows that. it’s a scientific fact. That’s why the best way to cure these poor souls of their illness is to throw them all in prison until they get better.”

Trump’s statement is likely to hearten congressional Republicans and advisers to Trump who have wanted him to distance himself from Bannon, who was forced out of the White House last summer and has returned to his perch as head of the conservative Breitbart News website. But it remains unclear whether Trump will kick Bannon out forever; he often likes to cast characters out and then bring them back in, frequently maintaining contact with those he has fired. Bannon could not be reached for comment and is reportedly spending the week in known Marijuana dens in Los Angeles and San Francisco.

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