Brian Kolfage, a triple-amputee Iraq War veteran responsible for the GoFundMe page that raised more than $15 million for Donald Trump’s border wall, has reported that there is no way to get his money legally to the government. Government regulations reportedly do not allow contributions for public projects, so Kolfage has launched a scheme to open a religious-themed amusement park to funnel the money to Homeland Security via taxes on the park.
“If everyone who voted for Trump would contribute $80”, Kolfage has claimed, “the wall could be paid for. Therefore, I will open a business to pay the government through taxes much the same way Mexico will pay us back for the wall from all the taxes we get from their cars, and tequila, and tacos, and those big funny hats we import.”
Kolfage states his park will be based on a Biblical story much like the wildly successful Noah’s Ark theme park in Kentucky.
“I’m leaning toward doing one based on the story of Samson”, Kolfage told Fox News,”We could get some big actor, like Scott Baio maybe, to come out in a wig and throw fake rocks around. Then get some other actors to play liberals who grab Samson and cut his hair off and then he gets all wimpy and snowflakey and can’t pick up the rocks anymore. Then he prays to Jesus and gets his strength back and kills all the liberals. It’s a pretty cheap price to pay to show everyone the power of God’s love with some styrofoam rocks and fake blood.”
Kolfage set up the GoFundMe page out of frustration that the Congress has so far failed to commit funds to build the wall. “We’re not getting just people who voted for Trump now,” Kolfage told Fox. “I’m getting messages from many Democrats, Russians, concrete companies, and Macedonian teenagers, who say they support this wall.”
Kolfage had named himself CEO of the project and will reportedly pay himself a generous salary to oversee the operation.
“I have to eat too and I will not apologize for my success.” Kolfage said, “Hey I am a triple amputee and I need to get some prosthetics to properly do my job. I saw this really cool arm you can change out the hands on. One day I could have a regular hand, next day I could have a machine gun hand, I think they have a chainsaw and a lasergun attachment too. I’m looking into it.”
Kolfage told Fox News that he has connections in the White House that can make sure all of his GoFundMe tax dollars will directly fund the border wall, saying “we have a lot of people watching this,” which would “serve as a motivating factor not to screw this up.”