Monday, April 25, 2016


In a private stockholder meeting earlier today, Target CEO Brian Cornell announced future mergers that include CVS health, and fast food giant Chic A Fila. Mister Cornell announced that in anticipation of the chicken giant going public, that Target would be prepared to purchase a controlling percentage of shares. Mr. Cornell went on to promise a Chic Fill A in the lobby of every Target store.

Tony Perkins of of the American Family Research Council released a statement after the announcement. The statement reads: "Target is joining President Obama in ramrodding transexual and transgenderals right down our throats by thrusting them into the same bathrooms that normal people use. We all know that the Transgenderals only go into the bathrooms with their Obama-phones to take pictures of normal people peeing. I mean, if I could go into the ladies room to take pictures, I'd never come out. I'm so sick of these L.T.G.B's or whatever cramming the gays down my throat and expecting me to swallow it when all I want to do is spit. I mean, I'm not a young Ann Coulter anymore and I can't swallow big loads like this anymore."

Target is laying the groundwork to merge it's 1800 stores with Chic-Fil-A's 1900 stores starting next year. The retail giant has recently angered many conservatives by treating the transgenders and homosexuals like normal people.

Fundamentalist Christian groups around the country are planning protests at the formerly conservative family values restaurant chain. Since the death of founder Dan Cathy, the heirs to the chicken giant have decided to change their company image to a more inclusive and welcoming restaurant for all. In response to the families wishes, Christian protesters have launched the #TakeBackOurChicken and #Boycottarget hashtags.