Thursday, April 14, 2016

Nickelback pledges to tour North Carolina in Wake of Bathroom Freedom Law



In a surprise move earlier today, the popular rock band Nickleback has pledged to spend the entire summer touring the great state of North Carolina. The band made the announcement shortly after all of the good musicians cancelled their concerts in retaliation to the states newly signed so called "bathroom bill" or House Bill 2.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) said Thursday that he supports North Carolina lawmakers' push to keep transgender people from using the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity.

Cruz said laws requiring people to use the restroom that corresponds to the sex on their birth certificate makes sense because "men should not be going to the bathroom with little girls," according to the Associated Press.

"Every time I go in the bathroom naked when my little girls are in there," Cruz said,"they feel very uncomfortable. I am their dad.Sure,I can understand them not wanting to take showers with me anymore but imagine of it were a stranger?"

North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory has issued an executive order that expands the power of the bill and would fund a new bureau that would preform spot checks in public restrooms to make sure everyone is in the correct restroom based on spot genital inspections. The Governor's Office claims no new state employees would need to be hired since they could simply use off duty T.S.A. Agents who are trained in spot genital inspection.

The governor said he is acting "to protect the privacy and equality of all North Carolinians," by both clarifying the law and adding new protections.

"I have come to the conclusion that there is a great deal of misinformation, misinterpretation, confusion, a lot of passion and frankly, selective outrage and hypocrisy, especially against the great state of North Carolina," McCrory said in a video address Tuesday, citing feedback about the bill. "What if Jesus came in to use the restroom?" the Governor added, "Would you want some Transsexual standing there staring at Jesus' junk?"

Earlier in the week, both Bruce Springsteen and the E. Street Band and former Beetle Ringo Starr canceled their shows in retaliation to the states new religious freedom bill signed into law by Gov. Pat McCory. House Bill 2 passed into law on. March 23 and requires transgender people to use the bathroom that matches the gender on their birth certificate.

Since the bathroom bill was signed into law by the increasingly popular governor McCory, multiple high-profile businesses have pledged to leave the state, leaving many residents scared for their futures and depressed about the lack of entertainment opportunities this summer. North Carolina resident Buck McBeghot was quoted as saying "I won't have no place to work, and we won't have nothing to do for fun this summer, but we still got our beer and we won't be dropping a ginormous stinky fatty next to some lady man in the next stall". Mr. McBhegot went onto say "Well heck I'm just all happy that a great band like Nickleback has stepped in to fill the void left by those other bands who hate us Christians".

Greg Gutfeld of Fox News The Five chimed in on the controversy saying, "I really don't get what the big deal is here. Everyone knows the gays just come in to public restrooms so they can stare at people's private parts. Why else would they be in there?"

In a related poll, a whopping 95% of N.C. residents who agree with forcing transgender people to go home to pee, were thrilled that Nickleback has stepped up to keep the state entertained all summer.

Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger said the band didn't really feel that strongly about the measure one way or the other. "Look man," Kroeger told Fox News' Greta Van Susteren,"I don't really care where people pee,we just need the money. All those sate fair gigs just don't pay the bills anymore.

The 'Take Our Toilets Back' tour begins this summer and wil continue,according to a band spokesman, "as long as the rednecks keep showing up."