Monday, February 15, 2016


In the wake of the tragic passing of the most beloved Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, the republican candidates are making their replacement picks known. In a speech earlier today, Trump promised to appoint the honorable Judge Judy as Scalia's successor. Trump was quoted as saying "I mean, she's really the only logical choice. She's tough, speaks her mind, and above all, she orders her steaks well done". Trump then went on to say "There's really no other qualified candidate in my book. I mean Judge Joe Brown is way too liberal, and he's black. Besides all of that he doesn't like me, so fuck that guy". The crowd erupted with thunderous applause.
Marco Rubio had a slightly different take on who his replacement would be. He said that he would have to take his appointment decision under careful advisement from his closest friend Alec. He later refused to give the last name of his closest advisor, but all speculations point to Alec Baldwin. Baldwin is best known for his so called homophobic tweets. Most notably Baldwin tweeted "I'm gonna find you George Stark, you toxic little queen, and I'm gonna". Baldwins follow up tweet read "I'd put my foot up your fucking ass, George Stark, but I'm sure you'd dig it too much". We here at Fox News were unable to determine the identity of the George Stark mentioned in Mr. Rubio's advisors tweets, but some indicators are that Mr. Stark may be the leader of the Juggaloo community because he like things randomly shoved up his ass.
At a town hall meeting held by Ted Cruz earlier this afternoon, Cruz promised to appoint none other than the bastion of conservatism Ted Nugent. When asked by an audience member if it might be a good idea to appoint someone who had a legal background, Cruz answered "I can't think of a single person who has more knowledge of the constitution than Ted Nugent". Cruz went on to say "I mean, Mr. Nugent was smart enough to figure out how to get out of Vietnam, I'm sure he'll be smart enough to put the gays back in the closet where they belong".
Dr,Ben Carson was undecided on who he would appoint to the office,citing his inexperience in legal issues. "Judges scare me",Carson told Fox News,"One time I had to go to court for a speeding ticket and I got so scared I started breathing hard and I pee-peed in my britches.I wouldn't want to have to go to talk to them people in the Senate when I smell like pee-pee.That's just all nasty."
Jeb Bush released a Twitter on the subject simply stating "@TheRealSarahPalin, get your robes ready sweetheart. You're on". Which is understandable after everything she did for John McKakes failed 2008 presidential run.
John Kasich released a statement, but it was too boring to read so we here at Fox News blew it off.