Monday, February 8, 2016

The republican debate extended into today's Sunday morning talk shows when our own Chris Wallace pressed the candidates what measures they are willing to take to overturn the controversial 1974 Supreme Court decision, Roe Vs. Wade. Donald Trump said "I'll just change the constitution. If anyone tries to stop me, I'll just send them Guantanamo for a few water boarding sessions and see how they feel about it then". Trump then promised to convert all Planned Parenthood buildings into what he termed, pregnancy detention centers. "You know, for the ones who claim that they were raped or whatever. The ladies won't mind, they love me".
Pro-Trump groups such as The Furries For Trump applauded the move as it would bring American policy in line with God's word.
"Women shouldn't terminate pregnancies resulting from rape because it's what God intended.",said Dixon Cider,President of Furries For Trump, "We believe that if women dressed as anime characters instead of the provocative way they do rape would be a thing of the past."

When asked the same question, Governor Chris Christie boasted that he defunded Planned Parenthood for 6 years running. He then asked for a doughnut and was unintelligible for the rest of the interview.

Dr. Ben Carson called for strict travel restrictions on any woman of child bearing age. "We can make it illegal here no problem, but we'll have to make sure that nobody can cheat the system that we set up by crossing borders into Canada and Mexico, so it looks like we should be building two walls. Not just one". Carson went on to say that all passports already issued to women between the ages of 10 and 50 could simply be automatically revoked and the problem would solve itself.

Marco Rubio answered Mr. Wallace's question by repeating the same phrase several times In a bizarrely robotic cadence. "Life begins at conception; so no abortion. Life begins at conception; so no abortion. Life begins at conception; so no abortion". He repeated the phrase several more times be when his battery appeared to die out .

In what was perhaps the most pro life stance of all, Ted Cruz chimed in with an unprecedented "Everything they just said but we need to expand government monitoring to keep an eye on any person who could possibly be thinking about such a horrific act". Cruz then went on to explain that his executive order to ban abortion would not be enough. "We as a country will need a multi pronged approach to stop these demon ladies from murdering their babies. Pregnancy detention centers and travel bans are all a good start, but what we really need to do is monitor cell phones and emails of anyone who fits the profile of a pregnant slut lady".

Chris Wallace ended the series of interviews by announcing his retirement.