Wednesday, February 17, 2016

SCALIA DEATH RULED AS PROBABLE ACCIDENT




In a news conference today, the acting coroner of Presidio county revealed some of the details surrounding the mysterious death of beloved Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia. Presidio County Judge Cinderela Guevara held the press conference in response to the outrageous and immoral conspiracy theories that are being widely circulated by unscrupulous liberal media outlets.

Guevara started the press conference by confirming that the cause of death was indeed natural causes. "We had hoped to keep some of the private details of Justice Scalia's demise confidential for the sake of the family, and the sake of the country. But the power of social media has forced our hand and we feel compelled to reveal details that had not been previously released".

The beloved Supreme Court Justice was found in his bed at the Cibolo Creek Ranch in West Texas by the ranches owner, John Poindexter. Judge Gueveara stated that after much thought and conversation with Mr. Poindexter the public deserved to know the state of Justice Scalia's body when it was discovered.

Judge Guevara was quoted as saying "Justice Scalia was found in his bed in what appears to be an accidental death caused by autoerotic asphyxiation. He was on his knees facing away from the head board of the bed with a sheet tied to the headboard and looping around his neck". She want on to say "Justice Scalia had a peaceful look on his face and there is biological evidence at the scene that indicates that he finished". She continued by saying "All indications are consistent with an accidental death via autoerotic asphyxia".

Reports also indicate Scalia had synthetic hair in his stomach,consistent with that of an adult cosplay costume.Scalia was reportedly a Furry supporter and often attended conventions where he would tongue groom people dressed as cats.

Peter Phyle,a member of the group "Furries For Trump",a Washington D.C. based club of Cosplay enthusiasts who like to socialize dressed as animals knew Scalia well.

"Yes,Judge Scalia loves the fur.",Phyle told Fox News,"he would come to our meetings and be really quiet at first but after a few drinks he was ready to go.He would disappear and pop back out in a mouse costume and tell us all to call him 'Spike'.Then he would find all the people dressed as cats and have them chase him around.Sometimes he would lick the cats when they were resting and get a bunch of fur in his throat.He wasn't a bad guy.We had to ask him to leave a few times for being really creepy but he always apologized later."

Lindsey Graham,long time friend of Scalia and also an auto-asphyxiation enthusiast had this to say."Justice Scalia,a long time champion for Furry rights will be missed greatly by the community.It's going to be a long time before I can tongue groom a man dressed as a cat without thinking of him.I have lost a great friend."