Friday, February 19, 2016

Donald Trump backs out of pledge, open to third party run

In the least surprising news of the election cycle, Donald Trump signaled today that he would happily back out of his signed pledge to support the eventual Republican nominee and not run as an independent if he doesn't win the nomination. The pledge, negotiated with a petrified Republican party in an embarrassing charade last December, was never worth the paper it was printed on.

Phil Latio of Fox News reports that Donald Trump said today: "I signed a pledge, but it’s a double-edged pledge. As far as I’m concerned they’re in default of their pledge.It's just a piece of paper.I wipe my ass with paper."

During tonight's liberal media town hall meeting, lamestream media icon Joe Scarborough reportedly gave Donald J. Trump oral sex. The incident took place during a discussion about trickle down economics. Mr. Trump said, "I'm a perfect example of how trickle down economics works Joe. I'm a job creator and the best deal maker since Jesus Christ himself". Trump continued on to say, "That Jesus guy made some pretty sweet deals. He got to hang out with hookers and thieves just like I do. I mean, have you seen the set of fake tits on my wife? Jesus totally would have hit that, you know, before that whole nail cross thing, but he would have gotten the nail part right". Trump chuckled.

That was when Mr. Scarborough leaned over, unzipped Mr. Trumps pants and started performing fellatio on the presidential candidate. The crowd reaction was a mixture of a hushed science, raucous screams. Some in the crowd were heard chanting "Go go go"! Mika Brazinski appeared to roll her eyes at the spectacle so hard that she literally saw her own brain. She was later taken to the hospital for an eye strain injury.

Trump later said of the incident "The liberal Medea loves me. They just can't help themselves". The FCC is now investigating the event footage to determine if fines are warranted.